The Human Longing for Belonging

Well, so much for my aspirations of having regular posts on this blog. But it will happen. The storm is still gathering.

However, I want write a quick post on attachment theory, and the human longing for belonging.

I feel strongly that human beings are more interconnected and interrelated than most people will probably ever comprehend. We are not independent creatures. For some reason, I see and feel this need in the world with great clarity.

This is probably the principle that I feel the most strongly about: We need each other, in specific ways. Every man needs a wife. Every woman needs a husband. Parents need children. And every child needs parents. This is the universal pattern for human flourishing.

In addition, I feel we have a special stewardship for each other, especially those whom our lives happen to intersect with. I just re-read one of my favorite religious quotes on the importance of human relationships.

Neal A Maxwell says, "Each of us has circles of friendships, and within those lie the portion of the human family whom God has given us to love, to serve, and to learn from. You and I may call these intersectings "coincidence." This word is understandable for mortals to use, but coincidence is not an appropriate word to describe the workings of an omniscient God. He does not do things by "coincidence" but instead by "divine design."

While I believe this religiously, more and more scientific evidence is also beginning to recognize the tangible need for human beings to be loved, and connected to one another in physical space and time.


What is interesting is where human beings turn for substitutes, when they lack the meaningful and permanent relationships of healthy families and marriages. Human beings always need community and family; it's just a matter of where they seek to find these connections.

I think in many instances, corporate culture and relationships have mimicked and replaced a family culture. The government tries to step in as the proverbial mother and father of every child. School teachers are expected to be substitute parents.

My friend and colleague, Ryan Messmore, crafted an artful piece on this.

But in many instances, I think we just end up being alone. In our Western culture, we use the pseudonym, "independent" to describe this state. If we feel lonely in our independence, we are seen as weak. However, scientifically speaking, just the opposite is true.

The book, Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam, Loneliness by John Cacioppo and William Patrick have fueled my thoughts on this, along with a 30-year longitudinal study of the impact of attachment disorder in the book "The Development of the Person" by Alan Sroufe and colleagues.

Based on John T. Cacioppo’s research at the University of Chicago’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, the physiological and psychological effects of chronic perceived loneliness on health and functioning are severe.

Relying on brain imaging, analysis of blood pressure, immune response, stress hormones, behavior, and even gene expression, Cacioppo’s research shows that human beings are meant to be intertwined and interdependent to achieve human flourishing.

In evolutionary psychology, the desire to be connected to others and to a community is a primal instinct of safety and protection. Loneliness creates a defensive social cognition framework, wherein an individual feels constantly threatened or insecure, not being connected to or embedded in a community. This releases constant stress hormones (cortisol) that accelerates aging and weakens the immune system significantly over time. Being separated from the pack is a serious danger, often resulting in death be predators.

In real time, the release of stress hormones when an individual is not connected to a community or family impacts and impedes human functioning in almost every way.

Chronic loneliness predicts the progression of Alzheimer's disease, and can actually impair the DNA transcription process in the immune system.

Loneliness impairs the ability of the brain to function and maintain focus and attention. Even temporary experiences of loneliness predict significantly worse performance in reading accuracy, logical reasoning, and problem solving perseverance.

With one scientific finding after another, Loneliness makes a compelling scientific case that the culture of Individualism creates isolation and a disconnect that humans are not hard-wired to handle.

It's almost as if we are supposed to be rooted in a fundamental pack of relationships that keep us safe, both physically and emotionally.

If only the government or corporations could figure out a way to do some social engineering and channel our interactions into those kinds of relationships...

Hope you caught my deep sarcasm on that.